


Fear + Impulse = ?

by Sugar_and_Salt



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fantasy, M/M, Suicide, alternative universe, mentions of panic attacks and depression, side character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-08 23:39:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12264423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_and_Salt/pseuds/Sugar_and_Salt
Summary: Everyone is scared of Kyungsoo - even other monsters. Even minor gods. Sometimes even Kyungsoo himself. This time though, he encounters someone who doesn't back away like others do.





	Fear + Impulse = ?

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt # 42  
> a/n: In bird culture, this is considered a drabble.  
> Much love to my beta B!  
> enjoy <3

It was dark outside; an ocean of lights sprinkled across the thick carpet of night, all different sizes and colors. The city was still buzzing with energy and life, brimming with spirits roaming the area.

But, as a hooded figure entered the town, the whole air shifted. To the dull human senses, nothing seemed amiss. But to those who weren't, the change was obvious. All around the hooded figure spirits stilled, monsters paused to listen, minor gods sniffed the air.

The hooded figure knew he would not encounter any of them; living beings who could sense him knew better than to get too close. So he wandered the city's streets, crowded and yet perfectly deserted.

 

The bass was pumping, and the flashing lights were almost painful to his eyes, but he was drawn to crowded places, and there were masses of people here.

Shades of pink and green were dipping his face in colors, making his dark orbs shine and the tattoo on his face stand out. It was an odd symbol unknown to mankind, inky black and precise like it was drawn by an extraordinarily fine brush. It was both curvy and sharp, with symmetrical wings that ended just below his left eye. It didn't look threatening per sé, but it was distinct. Anyone could change their appearance and so could he, but the symbol would always show, no matter what. He had no claws or horns but this tattoo alone was the reason why everyone knew about him, _feared_ him; why voices were whispering warnings in the dark and why he never laid eyes on anything non-human.

Well, if humans knew, they'd be terrified, too.

 

The journey had been long and he was quite hungry, to be honest. His gaze wandered through the masses of moving, sweaty and tired bodies.

Everyone had to live off something, and it certainly wasn't human food he needed. Neither was it belief or blood. No, the thing he was thirsty for was also the reason why even the most terrible monster wouldn't dare getting too close.

Next to him, at the bar, sat a young woman who was obviously intoxicated and laughing loudly with her friends. In a casual movement, he reached out to touch her back, and she froze at the light contact.

It felt good, the way she started crying soon after. A pleasant taste on his tongue, albeit by far not enough to sate his hunger. He thought of it as an aperitif, and before he could reach out to get more, his eyes fell on someone. No, he corrected himself, _something_. This being wasn't human, and it had been forever since he'd last saw anyone like him. The spirit looked human, and was currently occupying the dance floor, almost like he was a part of them. There was an aura of glee surrounding him like thick, sparkly fog. The entity felt nothing as he soaked it up, because this was not something he could feed off, not at all. He was still captivated though. When the dancing spirit met his gaze all of a sudden, he froze in place, expecting the other to realize his mistake and run away. But the spirit just stared, confusion melting into something else, an expression he had only ever seen on gleeful, tasteless humans. The spirit was _smiling_ at him, and it was all distinct features, twinkling eyes and curled lips. Why would he smile at him? Wasn't he afraid?

Apparently not, for the spirit didn't even attempt to get away and started violently making out with one of the humans, throwing looks his way every now and then, full of mischief.

And he didn't understand.

Kyungsoo didn't understand.  
  


* * *

 

 

Usually, Kyungsoo didn't stay in the same place for too long; he'd simply feed until he felt good enough to venture on. The reason was simply that wherever he went, all inhuman beings left to avoid him. It was straining the natural balance of things and in the long run, that meant trouble. This time, Kyungsoo wasn't alone. There was this other entity that didn't seem to intend leaving this city anytime soon. Kyungsoo was curious, oh so curious, but he didn't dare potentially scaring him away. So he watched him from afar, just far away enough to not be sensed. He wanted to know what kind of entity this was. What did he live off? Which power could be so great that he was not afraid of Kyungsoo?

But observing alone didn't tell him anything about it. The persons he apparently fed off all behaved completely differently without any chance to predict what was going to happen. Like this, the days passed by and Kyungsoo was careful not to be caught by the entity. He might have been less successful than he assumed though, because one day, the other came to _him_.

Kyungsoo was walking down the hallways of a high school, enjoying the pleasant buzz of fear in the air. It wasn't gratifying enough to count as a meal but the nervousness oozing from some students was enough to substitute what humans would call the pleasant smell of dinner. It happened just when he found a lone student sitting in the hallway, reading a textbook. Kyungsoo reached out to touch her head, and she tensed up immediately. When the first tears met the paper, a voice called out to him, a voice the girl would not be able to hear.

"You made her cry. Are you the ghost of female tears?"

Kyungsoo whipped around to see the spirit, leaning against a wall as he tried to get a good look at the girl. He wore a lazy smile, but his eyes sparkled attentively. Kyungsoo's voice wasn't scratchy, but it felt and sounded unfamiliar since he couldn't remember the last time he'd used it.

"You're not with them today?" he asked instead of replying, referring to the fact that the girl didn't look up even when the spirit had approached and crouched down in front of her, trying to see her face.

"Nah. Not today. I'm not here for them."

He looked up at Kyungsoo.

"I'm here for you. What is it that you do? You chased away a lot of beings."

Kyungsoo hesitated, a simple moment of silence that didn't give away how unwilling he was to talk about this. Surely, he would leave if he heard it. But the other just made himself comfortable on the floor, right in front of the girl wiping her tears, and he waited.

"I am the embodiment of fear," Kyungsoo admitted. "With a touch, I stir the fears that are slumbering in you. Everyone has them, there are no exceptions. Even the highest of gods."

The spirit just tilted his head in question. There was no fear to be seen on his face, and Kyungsoo couldn't feel any of it either. His fears remained slumbering even now.

"And that is enough to chase them all away, huh? It would seem to me that their fear of their fears is already big," he merrily said, stretching out his hand. "I'm Jongdae."

Kyungsoo didn't take it.

"Kyungsoo."

There was no use in revealing his name other than maybe giving Jongdae something to tell to other spirits when they asked what he had been running from. Maybe Jongdae was just really naive.

"What is it that you do?" he asked him, unable to conceal this burning curiosity of his. Jongdae shrugged and reached out to cup the girl's face. She tensed up, and struck by a sudden purpose, she stood up, scurried to the next open window, climbed over the windowsill... and jumped. Kyungsoo stared at her, wide-eyed. There was a nasty sound, followed by screams in the distance. He never fed off people until they died. On the ground, Jongdae clicked his tongue.

"Ah, man. I should have maybe not done this after you touched her, eh?" he said lightly, not seeming particularly regretful. Kyungsoo didn't know what to say. A lot of spirits were hostile towards humans and took enjoyment in torturing or killing them. Jongdae didn't seem to harbour any ill feelings towards humans. He had just done it because he could, because that's what he did, apparently. And Kyungsoo wondered whether he had finally met a more dangerous monster than himself.

"So," he began from the floor, as if nothing had happened. "How do you like it here so far?"  
  


* * *

 

Yes, Kyungsoo usually moved on quickly. But with Jongdae entering his life, things were different. Odd, fascinating Jongdae. An unpredictably flickering flame that grazed some people while it consumed others like wildfire. Yes, maybe wild was the best word to describe Jongdae. They didn't purposefully spend their time together, but Kyungsoo liked to keep just close enough to make it easy for Jongdae to come find him, if he wanted to. And he wanted to. A lot. He would come up to him at the most unexpected of times and made himself scarce whenever Kyungsoo started to get used to his presence. Unlike Kyungsoo, there was no hesitation in Jongdae when it came to feeding off humans. He touched whoever was close, sometimes picked whoever looked interesting to him, to sate his curiosity, too. Where Kyungsoo fed off fear, Jongdae lived off impulsive behaviour. Humans had many weird impulses buried deep inside them, Kyungsoo learnt. Fear was rarely impulsive. It was always there, deeply rooted like a natural ulcer of humanity. Kyungsoo just put emphasize on it, made it really show. One time, he had touched a person that had already been steeped in fear, and they started yelling and twitching, experiencing a panic attack, as other humans called it. It was the closest Kyungsoo had ever been to impulsive behaviour, and it made him uncomfortable. The idea of killing hosts didn't sit well with him - sure, doing this to people lay in his nature, but he wanted to avoid killing humans. He told himself that it was a mere survival instinct, that he prefered keeping his food sources intact. It was a simple farce because in reality, Kyungsoo was all-too aware of the fact that his whole presence brought nothing but misery to the world and the least he could do was keep the damage to a minimum.

Jongdae, on the other hand... wasn't ashamed of what he was and had no inhibitions whatsoever. Kyungsoo saw him touch people who would suddenly start laughing, being reminded of a funny story, while a lot of others lived out sexual urges that had been held captive by social constructs. Some got violent, some got desperate, others brave. There was simply no telling what would happen, and Jongdae was the most unpredictable of them all. Something about Kyungsoo really seemed to have caught his interest though, and Kyungsoo couldn't say he minded. Quite the opposite. And even if Jongdae was reckless in every way, he was careful not to ever touch Kyungsoo.

 

One day, Kyungsoo woke up to Jongdae lying inches away from him, curled up like a cat. It was ironic, that it stirred the impulse in him to shirk away before they’d touch. Granted, this wasn't the first time this happened, but Jongdae had never been so close before. Kyungsoo sat up and the hasty movement woke Jongdae, who took his time stretching his limbs, sleepily blinking up at him.

"You didn't run away," he stated. Kyungsoo acted as if that had never even happened before. Jongdae indulged him and moved on, quick to get to the point as usual.

"I wanted to show you something," he said as he sat up and in his sleepy haze, he offered him a hand that Kyungsoo didn't take. With a small ' _Oh_ ,' Jongdae retreated his hand as he realized what he had done and got up to his feet instead.

"Come on, follow me."

There was no reason not to.

Jongdae led him to a hospital, much to Kyungsoo's distaste.

"Shouldn't you love these places, feeding off fear?" he asked casually, and Kyungsoo hummed, dead set on ignoring the heavenly atmosphere filling the air.

"This place is less about fear and more about sadness," he lied. Jongdae nodded.

"If you say so."

He peeked inside the rooms until he found what he was looking for, and stepped through the wall, gesturing Kyungsoo to follow. Inside, they found a man with no visible injuries, but he looked exhausted and miserable, despite the smile he plastered on his face for the woman sitting beside him. She was talking about something menial, her voice a bit shaky - the fear was brimming below the surface, held back just barely. Kyungsoo craved to touch, to stir and revel in it, but this man was probably deeply sick and possibly dying. It wasn't his place-

"Go ahead," Jongdae urged him on with an encouraging smile. Kyungsoo shot him a sceptic look.

"I'm not that desperate. I don't need this much to eat," he said weakly, but Jongdae shook his head and gestured towards them.

"That's not what this is about. Try it, come on."

Kyungsoo sighed, but he already knew he'd give in. He reached out and placed a firm palm in between the woman's shoulder blades. It didn't take more than three seconds for her to break down. The casual talk was forgotten and she started crying about how scared she was for her lover's life. How she didn't know what to do to make him feel better and soon enough, the man was crying, too, biting his lips to try and keep it in.

Kyungsoo slowly drew away, feeling sated but at the same time empty.

"Why are you sad?" Jongdae asked, and Kyungsoo didn't have the strength for anything above a confused look. Jongdae nodded towards the couple, who were now hugging closely, trying to comfort each other.

"Look, they're talking about the things that actually matter. They'll get even closer and draw strength from each other. Fear, too, can be a driving force. You're not a naturally harmful entity, Kyungsoo."

At the last sentence, Jongdae searched his gaze, utterly serious for once, but also warm and welcoming.

"You're not."

Kyungsoo looked at the huddled up couple and back at Jongdae. Somehow, he wished he could hug him, whatever good that would do. But...

"And yet you're afraid to touch me," he said instead, searching for a reason in the other's expression. Jongdae grimaced.

"Ah, but so are you. We're stuck, aren't we?" he asked lightly, taking a turn to walk out of the room, down the hallway. Kyungsoo didn't let him get away this easily today.

"Why are you afraid? Because you're not usually afraid of anything? The idea of experiencing fear the way you see it in others is scary?" Kyungsoo asked, as he walked after him. Jongdae hummed, and they had almost left the hospital when Jongdae finally spoke up.

"Do you feel fear?"

It wasn't an answer, but Kyungsoo liked to hear him talk and was just glad he wasn't running from him, so he nodded.

"Yes. Constantly."

"Isn't that stressful?" Jongdae asked over his shoulder, and he shook his head.

"No."

"Why?"

Kyungsoo blinked as he tried to find the words to express himself with. Nobody had asked him this before.

"Everyone is constantly afraid of something. It keeps you safe and sane, if you're in tune with it. And I'm obviously immune to the negative effects," he finally said. "To me, fear is just... one type of the components building what I am."

Jongdae made a knowing sound.

"Ah, I get that. Kinda. It's not quite the same with impulses, but I get that."

"So you feel impulses, too," Kyungsoo stated.

"Yeah, sure. Enough to last me my three lives," Jongdae joked, but the other remained serious.

"You had the impulse to touch me earlier. But you didn't."

Jongdae shot him a weak grin.

"Because you're scared of touching me?" he asked, rather than stated with confidence, and Kyungsoo shook his head again.

"You just said we're both afraid."

At this, Jongdae came to a halt and sighed. Around them were bushes, greenery and flowers to cheer up the patients in the building behind them. There were also a few stray humans, but Kyungsoo didn't pay them any heed. His gaze was lingering on Jongdae's back. His posture wasn't all that straight and confident as he knew it.

"Okay, you're right. I'm scared," he admitted quietly.

"Scared of what I'd do to you? What fear would do to you?"

Jongdae turned around with a playfully haughty expression.

"Your argument is invalid," he began, voice perfectly casual, "I'm already afraid to lose you any day. I'm not worried about myself, I got this."

Kyungsoo should have asked another question, but the fact that someone would be afraid to _lose_ him, of all beings, had him quite stunned. No one ever wanted him around, be it humans, spirits or even animals. Then again, Jongdae was different, something about him was just so very different.

His expression softened, and Jongdae smiled, albeit a bit sadly.

"I'm scared of what _I’ll_ do to _you_. I'm scared that you'll run away. I can't predict what’s slumbering inside of you, and you seem doubtful of many things. I didn't want to risk it, no matter how tempting. Just for once, I'm reigning myself in."

_Oh_ , Kyungsoo thought. He could understand the reasoning behind it. The future was scary and being with Jongdae was somewhat scary, too, in a certain way.

But...

He thought about the couple in the hospital, about the way he felt when he watched Jongdae living out his mischievous nature. He wanted to risk it. Slowly, carefully, he reached out, and Jongdae didn't stop him. Patiently, he waited, gaze flitting from Kyungsoo's eyes to the palm nearing his chest. Kyungsoo went high enough to have his cold fingertips graze the skin peeking out of his loose collar and then held his breath.

Jongdae just looked at him, head tilted the slightest as he always did when he was expecting something. A small smile was tugging at his lips, telling Kyungsoo that ' _See? I'm good_ ', but he had no time to process that, because he was overwhelmed by need. The need to tug Jongdae closer and not just hold but kiss him, so that's what he did. Jongdae made a muffled sound in between delight and urgency and wasn't deterred by the desperation with which Kyungsoo pushed against him, held him, needed him. He simply tethered him down by replying in the same force, spurred on by a mix of relief and fear. Relief that he wasn't going anywhere, fear that he might ruin this for Kyungsoo, that Kyungsoo might be unhappy either now or ever. You could also call it care, Jongdae vaguely thought.

 

And like this, fear and impulse clashed and created courage and purpose, the energy to pursue and to hold on. Granted, that could be both good and bad.

It depended on what they'd make of it.

  
  
  
  



End file.
